Happy One Month Zoe!

!!!Happy one month Zoe!!!

One month old!

Zoe is one month old today!  Four weeks is leaps and bounds from the day Zoe was born.  We are thrilled that we have come so far, but at the same time it is just so bittersweet.  While it is wonderful that Zoe has overcome so many obstacles we also feel as if we have missed out on so much of her infancy.  For one month B & I have just stood by and watched everyone else take care of our baby girl.  I wanted to us to be the ones to give her the first bath, change the first diaper, feed her, swaddle her...  It isn't supposed to be like this, but it is.  This is not an easy life and not many of you can comprehend what that is like.  B & I are zipping along in a worm hole and time is passing us by.

This is also the day that Zoe and Dylan were actually due to join us.  My heart aches for Dylan, he should be here with us.  We do know that Dylan is always looking out for his sister, cheering her on.  Today my heart is heavy with missing our sweet boy.  What a crazy life it has been, mourning for our boy and fighting for our little girl.

A good friend recently asked me how I feel now that I am a mother.  I really have to ponder on this for awhile since that is a topic mixed with many emotions and I am still mourning the loss of Dylan.  I can quickly say that I don't feel as if I have been much of a mother to Zoe (I know I am doing my best to be there for her and that I am her mother, that isn't what I mean).  Of course I love Zoe more then anything but the daily motherly tasks have been absent and it pains me so.  I feel utterly helpless as I stand by her bed unable to do anything.  I feel sadness that I cannot nurture Zoe, that I cannot just pick her up when she cries her silent cries, that I cannot soothe her pain, that I cannot tickle her toes and make her smile.  My heart and soul is Zoe's mother, but I can't help to feel as if I am missing out on so much right now. 

B & I all look forward to the day when we are carrying her out to the car for the drive home, when we can really start our lives as a family.  It is just right there in front of us, dangling on the horizon, teasing us.  We try to keep our sights on this day to help us through.

Zoe had a special visitor today!  Auntie A was in town for a Ziggy Marley show at the Hollywood Bowl.  We are so lucky that she could stop by before heading back up north.

I love my Auntie A!

Most importantly, I know you all are wondering how Zoe is doing.  All of her stitches were removed yesterday and her chest is looking very good.  She has managed the sprints for one hour (sometimes a bit more) very well over the past three days.  Whatever fluids are left in her body, Zoe keeps absorbing into her lungs.  This is holding her back from making big progress.  They will continue with the diuretics to help rid her of the fluids and continue on the path we are on. The Ativan dosage is much lower and is now administered every 12 hours, hopefully she will be off this medication very soon.  We have to take it slow and go at Zoe's pace.  She is the boss and will let us know when she is ready for extubation. 

Yea! No more stitches!