Dylan

So much has happened since my last post. Today is the 11th day of hospital stay, every day is a miracle. The events that have taken place since May 3rd, our anniversary, are overwhelming. Some things may be hard for you to read in this post.

May 3rd was our anniversary and as you know I was very excited for B to visit and celebrate. B brought me a beautiful card and we decided to order steak and lobster from McCormick and Schmicks. B left to pick up dinner and in that short time, things went really sour.

Just before I was transferred into my long term room I was sent for another ultrasound to check on Zoe's growth and make sure my body was holding on. I was a bit antsy waiting for the results and unfortunately I got them from a nurse while B was out getting our dinner. I had no cervix left. Not an ideal situation and I was terrified. All I could think was I was going into labor soon, too soon for Zoe. B comes back to the news and our special day came to a halt. B decided to take the next day off and stay the night with me. We comforted eachother and continued to have hope.

Later that night I started getting contractions again, they were getting stronger and closer. The nurse checked me and I was 1 centimeter. The pain increased and I was shaking uncontrollably. After review with the on call dr I was again administered terbutaline, pure hell. As the long night went on the pain eased and the contractions began to slow down. Everything seemed to be turning around.

The next evening everything started all over again. This time the pain was unbearable. Both B and I were terrified as events began to repeat and worsen. The nurse tried to help me as much as possible. Things began to blur for me, the pain was too much. B could tell this part much clearer then I. I remember telling them that I felt a bunch of pressure, I was shaking, and felt out of control. I was begging B to help me, he felt so helpless. The on call dr checked me a few time and said wasn't dilated. The gave me morphine and some other drug that didn't help whatsoever.

We were approaching the wee hours of May 5th. The dr decided that they would give me an epidural for the pain. As we waited for the anesthesiologist I kept saying things didn't feel right, this wasn't like before. Finally he came in the room, I was delirious. My memory is so fuzzy. They start to get me up and that was the moment...

Dylan was born peacefully sleeping at 2:11 am on May 5th. He was 12 ounces of perfection.

The pain was instantly over, as if it never was. The nurse asked if we would like to spend some time with our son. Of course we did, even though it was just unbearably sad. They brought Dylan to us, I held his tiny body on my chest for almost two hours. There was an overwhelming sense of peace as I was able to be a mother to my son. I drifted in and out of sleep holding him. He was perfectly beautiful. I am sure it is hard for you to imagine what it was like, but it was beautiful.

B struggled with wanting to hold him, he was afraid. After quite some time he decided to and is thankful he did. I loved watching my husband look loving at our son. These moments were so amazing to witness, yet so heartbreaking. I could only think how tragic it is that father and son will never share the joys most do. If only I could change everything for him.

After we reluctantly gave Dylan back, the nurse brought us his swaddle blanket, baby hat, and a piece of paper with his sweet little hands and foot prints. So tiny and amazing. B looked me with tears in his eyes and said that he would like to get a tattoo of Dylan's little feet. My heart and soul was so touched.

We cherish the time we spent with Dylan. Forever these moments will be carried in our hearts and in our love for one another. My love for B has grown beyond belief through all of this. Crisis can strengthen or ruin, for us we are closer then ever. He is my rock and continues to have strength and hope when I reach rock bottom. I know that Dylan would have been just as amazing as his father.

Amazingly I did not deliver Zoe through all of this. This is such a rarity in a twin pregnancy and we are a miracle. I was sent in for surgery around 9am that morning for a cerclage. So far we have stopped the contractions and Zoe is doing extremely well. She is our fighter, our miracle. I am on strict bed rest again, if that is what it takes then so be it. I will fight for our little girl. Tomorrow is 28 weeks and my goal is to make it another 5 weeks. Every day is a blessing.

I want to thank all of the amazing nurses that go above and beyond their duties to care for us. They have taken us in as family. Thank you so much for being the wonderful people you are, your job is not easy.

Thank you to our friends and family for all the love and prayers. Every phone call flower, note, and visit show us how loved we are. Thank you for the support and encouragement, it helps us hold on to hope.

Today I remember my moments with Dylan on Mother's Day. Blessed are you that get to enjoy this day with your children. Cherish it forever.

We love you Dylan. We wish you could be here with us. Not a day will pass without thought of you. You are so precious, too precious for this world.