30 Weeks, Security Patrol, Anxiety Attacks

Zoe and I have made it to 30 weeks, no one believed we'd make it this far.  Every day is another blessing and miracle for Zoe.  Physically I am feeling great, no contractions or unwanted excitement.  Mentally, well that is a different story.  Yesterday I had one hell of an anxiety attack, never have I experienced something like that.  Several events towards the end of the day put me into one awful tailspin.

Sunday started out just fine.  Zoe cooperated with the morning NST, B and I had a decent breakfast, there was a rose garden visit coming up, and a little fairy here in the labor and delivery department delivered a mini fridge that wasn't being used. 

After breakfast, I showered while B went to Mother's Market and stocked me up with all kinds of goodness. No longer do I have to be tortured with unfit hospital food.  I am stocked with strawberries, blueberries, cheese, veggies, crackers, humus, cereal, milk, orange juice, bread, peanut butter, jelly, yogurt - happy happy!

After we ate lunch it was time for my Sunday 30 minute gurney ride to the garden.  The sun was out and we were enjoying our moments under the gazebo reading and talking until the security guard came strolling up.  He asked who were were, what we were doing, and why was I unsupervised.  We explained to him the situation and asked that he call our head nurse and that she would explain it was doctor's orders and all was just fine.  He looked at us with a frown and proceeded to ask my name and spelling as if he didn't believe us.  If Mr. Clever would have just looked at my wristband he surely would have realized that my husband was not stealing me nor was I from the psyche ward.  At that point I was very irritated that we were being bothered with such pettiness.  I sternly said that I ONLY get 30 minutes once a week to sit outside and I appreciate that he does not waste my time.  He walks away and we figure that was that.

Well, it wasn't just that, he came back shortly with his "back up" just in case we needed to be taken down.  Since I am learning what all the codes mean I wanted to yell Code Grey - uncooperative patient!  Apparently his issue was the gurney and that I wasn't in a wheelchair.  We proceeded to explain that I am obviously confined to bed rest and a wheelchair is not an option.  They were so dramatic and behaved as if B and I were breaking the law. We are such rebels! An pregnant lady on a gurney reading in the sun with her husband are so threatening - yea we were definitely up to no good causing such a ruckus in the park (eye roll again). They made a huge stink and the nurse had to come and get us.  It was beyond ridiculous, both B and I made our opinions on the matter very clear.  I commented that there was surely something much more worth their time then this, maybe check the parking structure for hoodlums.  

The nurse carts me away agreeing with this silly behavior.  Unfortunately the drama didn't end there.  The security found it necessary to venture to the second floor labor and delivery ward to confront and lecture the head nurse.  We became such a hot topic of the hospital.  After all was said and done, the head nurse and my doctor both assured us that this situation will not happen again and that I will get my blissful 30 minutes no matter what.

Anyways, thanks for ruining my 30 minutes of fresh air and sunshine asshat.  Hope you feel really good about your macho ways.

With the disappointing garden time behind us, B and I settled back in to the room.  In came another nurse, that cared for me maybe once, wanting to interview us about Dylan and what happened for a paper she was writing.  I didn't think much of it and started answering some questions.  Her questions were candid which caused B and I a huge discomfort with the situation.  I started crying and the whole can of pent up emotions sprung forth up.  She left and we talked about our regrets for entertaining her.  Our grief was now forefront and we tried to console each other.  B is so strong and tries to take care of me.  I couldn't shake the lonely empty feeling for the rest of B's visit.

Time came for B to head home for much needed rest before returning to a work week.  When he walked out the door the tears began to flow and sadness crept in to stay.  An hour passed and I became quite fidgety and unable to distract myself. The combination of B leaving, the gurney event, and questions about Dylan sent me tail spinning into an uncontrollable emotional wreck. Within moments my tears turned into a full blown anxiety attack.  I thought I was going to pass out as my heart beat out of control, my chest tightened to the point of not catching my breath, my feet and palms were sweating.  I honestly thought I was going to die.  An overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia took over and I needed to get out of here, I needed fresh air - but I couldn't go anywhere.  I would stand up, sit down, pace for a bit - on the verge of becoming hysterical.  These feelings were so strong and went on and on no matter what I did to talk my self down while taking deep breaths.  I needed B.

However, today is a new day, a brighter day and let's keep it that way.  Besides we are 30 weeks and that is something to really celebrate! Cake anyone?